rbt2 wrote:How could you not find these Tim Vine classics funny, Slicko?
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
I just couldn't go somewhere and listen to 90 odd minutes of jokes like that. I'd have enough after 5 minutes!
I always loved Billy Connolly's stuff. It's exactly like Samil said, I like a comedian to tell a funny story, like he's talking to you down the pub, and that's exactly what he was like. His greatest hits DVD from years back is probably the funniest thing I've ever seen.
I've never seen him do stand up, but Ross Noble is usually pretty decent when he's on the likes of QI and Have I Got News For You.